The Chamber of Secrets

It’s the holidays. And while we are all supposed to be running around being our best selves, doing for others and full of consideration, most people are standing in line, stressed out about the ten thousand things they have to do, grumbling and being kind of…aggressive in their unease.

I don’t know why I’ve never noticed it before, but now when I get into line and the cashier looks up, he or she actually looks frightened. Like I might be the next attacker. Which is sad. Because no one needs to be aggressive while they’re buying yoga clothes or organic cotton pajamas. No one.

Here’s the other group that has it bad this time of year – anyone who has a job taking care of children. This is for the whole gamut – preschool teachers, elementary school teachers, people who work at children’s museums – they all deserve some sort of special employee benefit. Kids on a regular schedule can be tough, but this time of year, with everyone running around and parents all stressed out, they’re even more dis-regulated. Which means teachers have it hard, especially since they’re trying to get these kids to concentrate on a curriculum.

These people need some help. I propose a special employee benefit.

Every few hours, depending on your shift for the day, you get access to “The Room”.

Before entering The Room, you have access to a very small airplane bottle of wine. Not a full glass, a nip. Just enough to take the edge off.

You may then slip on a robe and walk into The Room, where there is ambient lighting and Enya or George Winston are continuously piped in.

Then you climb into a hyperbaric pressurized oxygen chamber for fifteen minutes. The amount of time may be adjusted as appropriate depending on whether a small child has kicked you in the crotch (or for retail workers if someone has screamed in your face because they weren’t loved enough as a child). The Room is soundproof, allowing you to say WHATEVER YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST. Especially if you have been kicked in the groin.

When you are done, you finish off with a shot of wheat grass (or if you didn’t get enough time in the chamber you may have single malt whiskey grass).

And you’re back off to the races.

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